Friday, April 29, 2005
  Seether: Broken
I will get to Remedy one day, but before that it is worth dealing with Broken, because it has a strange effect on me.

There are two types of people when it comes to broken [another flawless segueway] things. There are people like me, who are cheap and resourceful and will always give them the benefit of the doubt. They will try and fix them or just keep them because they get attached. Then there are people like my mother who just mercilessly dispose of them and that's that. Guess who has more clutter, despite being way younger? Well, in this young condom's opinion some things are not meant to be fixed. "Broken" is not just a bit damaged, it is intrinsically flawed; to fix it would involve writing an entirely different song, naming it Broken and then pretending the original never existed. Broken is drippy shite. Within the first thirty seconds the guy, both sensitive and macho [a dream combination for any self-respecting nu-metal artist, or whatever genre this is trying to be] guy starts snivelling that he wants to steal her pen [btw, if he wants to say "pain" then he should say it. Of course he wants to have someone's pain, what is a nu-metal artist without pain?], presumably because he wants to jot down the chords for this short atrocity. I don't like it. Not only should the song be chucked, but someone should pour holy water over the spot where it was recorded.
  Fresh blood for the leech.

Seether: The familiar smell of teen spirit.

For those who might not have heard of this relatively new band (out of South Africa I think), you might at least remember a song called Broken they did with with Amy Lee (Evanescence). Still ringing no bells? Check out their new video for Remedy. The dude looks Cobain. He even sounds cobain. Get back to me on the autopsy report, leech.

  "Broken glass and spillage on aisle twenty nine.."
It must be strange and rare indeed for someone to comprehend the way I, and probably Martha and Used-Condom too, the way we perceive the people around us (gift or curse, who knows). This morning as my windows media player playlist played away, the lead singer of Counting Crows sang out loud "All monkeys do as they see...". And I thought, what a better metaphor to describe popular culture. But then I decided not to demean the monkeys and apes of the world out of consideration for any animal-huggers that may be reading this, including Martha.

Everytime I am on the street, I am bound to see some unusual quirk of the human race. For example, twice in the past few days, I walked past people talking on their mobile phones.....with the phone almost a foot away from their ears. It sounds crazy, but I've actually heard of people doing this. The belief is that they don't want to fry their brains from the radiation. At first, I thought they were too stupid to learn how to facilitate the volume control on the piece of fashion accessory they call a phone. But it turns out they're just too poor to buy a piece of Nokia with customised facia WITH a handsfree kit.

Other things have grown accustomed to me now. I am used to seeing people walking around with fully integrated bluetooth handsfree devices permanently plugged into their ears. People seemingly talking to themselves. And when the PA at ASDA says 'there is broken glass and spillage on aisle 29', I am at least 100% certain that one of those things is true. I truly wonder sometimes if the human race is a miracle of life, or a complete fuck up of nature. Everything we do as a species is unatural. Ever wonder why animals don't need to brush their teeth to prevent a horrible horrible death from too decay? Hmm...

Anyway, on a final note, it was my birthday...yesterday (Thanks for the e-card Martha. I had sooo much "fun" blowing bubbles out of a cannon at a fuckin annoying monkey. click click click). The official age is 22. My 16th, 17th, 18th, 21st birthdays are over (not that they were overly exciting in any way). And so the downhill begins. I know what you're thinking, "Holy shit, if that was the climax, wtf is at the bottom??.." And now I understand why mom is pissed off when we celebrate her birthday. If anything, perhaps I have 22 years of wisdom to reflect on....

Ok. Im done reflecting.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
My first day at work today. It sucked. I want out. I wanna work in a zoo. Instead I have just signed a contract that binds me to work with a zoo of stuck up people especially of the female species who i feel like squashing under my shoes. JUST THEY WAIT!!!!!!! They gonna be kissing my ass in the near future when I get promoted high high up there!!!! BIATCHES!!
Monday, April 25, 2005
  I am terrified of British culture
It sounds a bit sensationalist but when you look out the window and see all the crazy people outside you start to worry. And when you look on TV you start to worry as well. Big Brother, originally inspired by a novel on Totalitarian government, has given us some real trash and the recent celebrity edition put some more on the heap. One of the contestants was a 19 year old called Kenzie, who is i some kind of "band" called Blazin' Squad [only a geek would spell it "Blazing"] who spent most of the time with his shirt off talking like he was swallowing a sock. He obviously felt he was rather good because he has just released his autobiography.


Yes. So Kenzie, so famous I don't even know his second name, [he has a long way to go if he wants to be as famous as Madonna or Elvis] joins Jordan, Jodie Marsh and others in writing his life story before actually living it. Beckham already has several autobiographies, his wife too. Why do these people think the most minimal achievements matter?

The practice was started by Hitler, which sounds extreme but I'll say it anyway. He wrote his life story, Mein Kampf, in 1923, a full ten years before taking power and actually doing anything. Like the other people I have mentioned, the uptight little Austrian knew how tio get attention, and saw fit to tell the world all about himself before proving he was worth caring about. Nobody read it, nobody cared [whoops] and I seriously hope that the same happens to Kenzie and Jordan. Unlike Hitler, if we ignore them they WILL go away.

Adolf has a lot to answer for in this country. Young people learn more about him at school than they do about the entire histrory of their nation. And young people tend to get a little bit obsessed with him. Prince Harry's stupid error a few months ago led to the European Union seriously advocating a ban on showing the swastika. Luckily the British government said: "no", showing a rare grain of intelligence. I believe they didn't say "no" to placate the BNP, nor to acknowledge that the swastika is an ancient religious symbol. No. I believe they said "no" because going through with a ban would involve burning every single vandalised school desk and textbook in the country. Take THAT, ozone layer!!
  Every so often I need to praise something..., I think I'll take this oppurtunity to congratualte the film maker Adam Curtis. Last year his three-part documentary The Power of Nightmares was shown on BBC, and later this year it will screened at Cannes' film festival the prestigious event which showed Fahrenheit 9/11 last year. Curtis' piece is on a similar subject, but is superior in every single respect, not just to Moore's film, but to just about anything else in the field. If you can get a chance to see it you will get a lot out of it. And at three hours you will be ready for bed straight after it.

On a similar theme, there is an election looming. As the englishman here [yes, I am a man, not a real leech, or indeed a used condom, as a rather unflattering picture of me suggests [see the February archive. I certainly don't remember the dirty event]], I may as well mouth off and state that I will be voting Liberal Democrat. Sure, the Green Party and Respect have more in common with my perspective, but the time has come for the end of the two-party hegemony in the UK, which this year pits Dracula's creepy brother against Tony Blair, a man who is Bush's friend [despite feeling a bit guilty about it, witness how all the loving meetings between the two have ceased in the election period. He wants us to forget about the war, so obvioulsy isn't too proud about it].

I will also be nominating Robert-Kilroy Silk. But that's strictly between me and my hit-man.
Monday, April 18, 2005
  Fred is "dope"
With the death of one rock star, comes the rebirth of another. In other words, while Korn's guitarist Head has found God, Wes Borland is back in the game with Limp Bizkit. I kind of cringe that Wes has sold himself out somehow by joining LB. Despite rejuvenating his association with Fred Durst, whom I still think is a moron, I still hold my respect to the guy as a guitarist for being I dunno....pretty original I guess. His guitar work is worth me getting an album and opening my ears to it despite some dickweed rapping in the background. Hence, I have to say half-heartedly that I am looking forward to the new LB material with Borland on it.

Inevitably, Fred had to fire their replacement guitarist while being an asshole. - "Borland's return pushes his former replacement, Mike Smith, out of the lineup, a move about which Durst has no regrets. "We are very content with Mike being gone," Durst told the Limp Bizkit fan site,, in an interview posted Sunday. "We are the type of people that stay true to our family and our instincts and at any moment will act on intuition as a whole. Mike wasn't the guy. We had fun playing with him but always knew, in the back of our minds, that he wasn't where we needed him to be mentally. On that note, you can assume that the sh-- we are writing now is f---ing powerful and very emotionally laced with reality."When Smith joined Limp Bizkit in April 2003, Durst deemed their chemistry "dope." So dope, in fact, that he shelved the songs written since Borland's departure, some of which featured the guitar work of Ministry's Al Jourgensen, Weezer's Rivers Cuomo and Korn's Head, and began anew."
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Some years ago during one warm, sunny English early summer afternoon, me and a housemate were walking back in from the town centre of Bedford towards our college boarding house, still in our 6th form school uniform but somewhat casual and slack after retiring from the school for the week. Unexpectedly, it started to rain. Really rain. It was maybe the first heavy rain of the year which was kinda reminisent of home. Anyway, we picked up pace with still another 5 minute walk to the college gates when all of a sudden it REALLY started to fucking rain. The sky was hosing us down with all that piss water it had been storing up there the rest of the year. We kept on running for a while still. But we decided moments later that it wasnt gonna make any difference coz we were walking back into the boarding house drenched either way. So what the hell, we made the most of it and enjoyed the first summer rain on the streets.

Somehow today I've come to realise how that has become symbolic to so many things for me. Life pisses shit on you a lot of times and a lot of times, you are gonna end up getting through covered in shit either way. Maybe I can't be arsed. Maybe I've lost motivation. Maybe I'm negative at times. But a pessimist I am most certainly not. I'm a realist. Take my word for it. Sometimes, you can run if you want, but you'll just end up covered in shit...and tired.
Monday, April 11, 2005
  Virtual Love (for the desperate)
I was checking my email one day and guess what I received as a junkmail (Junkmail to me might not necessarily be junkmail to other people, so for those who do consider it non-junkmail, apologies) - that’s invitation to join an internet dating service. Not just any dating...but specifically “christian dating” - to meet a soulmate with christian values.

The reason I’m bringing this up is not just because its a specified line of dating requirement, but because of the insane idea of needing the internet to find a partner. I may be anti-social but golly me I’m glad I have not been forced to resort to the virtual world to find a boyfriend! Okay, maybe some people just use it for fun to find casual dates (that’s another story), but I am sure that there are some desperados out there that actually do this for real. Proof? Okay, last year my boyfriend’s dad came home from work and asked bf and I to look the internet up for any personal ad websites. Why, we asked? His reply, he has a colleague from work who was single and wanted to find a man but was too shy to find one out in the outside world so wanted to use the internet instead. This made me wonder so, “What’s wrong with her? Is she that horrendous or something? Does she have a finger growing out of her nostrils? Does she have only one jaw full of teeth? (‘Cos come on, if you met someone with a finger coming OUT of her nose instead of going in, or just have teeth on her upper jaw, it would freak you out, no? It’d bloody well freak me out!........but it’s not her fault, so be kind.) Anyways, I only found out that she’s about 50 years of age and wants a man, so that wasn’t a lot of information but at least I get to imagine all sorts of physical shit that my mind is capable of. But look, a 50 year old woman who needs a man quick and will turn to the internet IS sorta desperate, right? Okay, I’ll be flexible. I think that with all this chatting and friendly communities online, you are bound to meet nice, decent people who are seriously wanting to make friends online, and maybe some people will fall for each other after a while. Okay. Fair enough. But to go on the net with the sole purpose of finding love is just ...strange. Ah end that bf decided to give her a website that is basically for people to find sugardaddies. I wish her lots of luck in finding a rich old git and scraping every last penny off the poor dude.

Now...sugardaddies...that’s another different story. One which I will save for next time!
Sunday, April 10, 2005
  I have Kylie's ass. So do you.
What is all this obsession with Kylie Minogue’s ass? As far as I can see, Kylie doesn’t have a round bum like we all think. Sure she’s got a nice ass, but she’s got a normal white woman’s ass and that’s a small sorta flat bum. If I were walking around and sticking my ass out on purpose I would look just like kylie and her ass.(Try it, you’ll see what I mean). But I don’t. Mainly because I don’t want to end up with a back problem just so that guys will notice my ass sticking out unnaturally from my body. And secondly, because I have a nice ass already. No effort needed.

And may I again say that I used to like Kylie. But not after the whole vain thing. Let me refresh your memories:
Kylie (in magazine interview): “I don’t try to be a sex idol. I just am one.”

*PUKE* the modesty is overwhelming!
"Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere." - George W. Bush (March 24, 2004)

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