Bastardisation of the East: February 2005

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Man of the Week

Jackasses aside, I would like to dish out a BOE award to Chris Rock if I could glue together a modest and humble (and cheap) one made out of plastic straws with my bare hands for his recent stance on the Oscars. Recently Mr Rock made a comment that "only gays would watch the Oscars". I find quite a lot of truth in the notion of giving out awards for art "idiotic".

"The awards don't really affect anybody's lives in the crowd," Rock said. "Meanwhile, the Nobel Peace Prize, there's no one there. Nobody cares what the scientists are wearing. What are you wearing Professor Allen? 'Pants!' "

The concept of award ceremonies like these are nothing other than regular entertainment and publicity for overly rich, egotistically-pumped up celebrities. Entertainment is entertainment. The King in the medieval ages did not give awards to his jester. These days, it seems entertainers have become the kings, perhaps even greater, an idol for a sea of impressionable teenage youth that stretches to infinity. But the best message I can think of to over-hyped celebs, on acceptance speeches, is said best by Chris the man himself.

"Don't thank God," Rock said. "God's busy working on the tsunami, so leave him alone."

¶ posted by Jon at 12:07 AM 0 comments

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

Let's label our fat kids and pretend we know what's best.

It's funny how you always hear news about someone/something from everyone else except from that person/thing/place itself. More bizzare-o news I hear about home are always from sources other than from Singapore. Why? Perhaps she is a nation too self absorbed banning newly identified "contraband" at a rate faster than we discover new species of insects/animals/plants/other lifeforms. Perhaps she is too busy coming up with new laws to keep our country safe. Maybe one day I will need a licence to buy a meat cleaver. But that can't be too bad. After all, an overly-safe country is better than an overly-disorderly nation. HOWEVER, the one great distaste that I have towards the government is how the people of this small nation is made to feel "parented". It is pretty blindingly obvious that the government will never trust the countrymen to be responsible, truly adult citizens. We banned chewing gum because we can't trust the youth to bin the gum. We restrict "obscene" movies to 21s and above, yet we still snip out the nude bits for the adult audience. Yet we send boys to the army mandatorily at 18. So strictly speaking, we can train a boy at 17 or 18 to fire an M16 rifle and ride a big tank, but cannot watch an R(A) film with the good bits already snipped out. I believe Singapore, not unlike most countries, has its quirky and somewhat eccentric ways. We celebrate National Day and continuously boast ourselves as a country of moral citizens. Yet we can't quite trust ourselves...with ourselves.

Having undergone 10 long, tedious years myself in the Singaporean education system since the age of 7 or 8, so it comes to me as not much of a surprise when they announce a new school programme called "I'm Trim and Fit". It is unbearingly typical for the ministry of education (MOE) to come up with some campaign that has some sort of arrogant name that promotes some self-absorbing type of character qualities. Somehow they always feel like they know the solution to problems of kids. You really can think of the government as a collective group of conservative prudish parents who price their high-achievers and pretend to know what's best for those who fall short of expectations. Yes, let's put gay colourful wristbands on the anorexic kids and really make it obvious how fat you are by making you take time out to exercise while your friends play at school. Though many may see Singapore a very post-modernised country in many respects, we are in many ways socially-backwards in handling school children. I for one can speak from personal experience. I could talk ages about it but I wouldn't know where to start. It's no surprise that western critics would seem to have a much more meaningful observation on this new gay programme.

Philip Morgan, a lecturer in health and physical education at the University of Newcastle, said the program would probably not work in Australia.
"One of the really severe consequences for overweight or obese children is that a lot of them have very low self-esteem and depression," he said.
"So anything that makes them feel isolated or identified or ostracised in that sense, I can't see that as a very positive way to address the health issue."

While there are genuinely some really fat bastards out there who eat because they were born to be fucking fat, I think that on the most part, the problem goes much much further than just being fat because they get big allowances. To put it simply, the education system does not see past most students other than a school uniform and cheap haircut. Judgements are made in black and white. You are either in the wrong or right. You are either a high achiever or someone who needs tuition. On another note, I was actually quite surprised Singapore has recently been facing an obesity problem. We are generally a scrawny, if not near-anorexic, people and the only truly fat people that I knew were indonesian boys with rich parents. Perhaps this is a warning sign of an imminent pandemic outbreak of spillages [the spilling of visible fat around the trouser waistline due to overly short t-shirts and tight belts].

"You want them to be involved because they enjoy it, not because the school is forcing them."

¶ posted by Jon at 10:10 PM 0 comments

Sunday, February 20, 2005

What IS inside David Beckham's head?

Just a quick post reacting the earth-shattering news that Forest Gump's slightly stupider cousin has become a father for the third time. I'd like to congratulate him... I really would but I'm having difficulties becuase, having already prepared "Brooklyn" and the even less fortunate "Romeo" for a bleak future of playground hell the empty headed one has played his sickest prank yet.
Cruz Beckham. The implications are mind-bending. This is hardly the first time the Beckhams have experimented disasterously with being ersatz exotics [his wife's name is misspelled on a tattoo on his arm in Urdu: the language of love], but this time it will be the poor kid who falls flat on his face.
As many people know, especially those with more refined taste in women, "Cruz" is generally [ie 99% of the time] a surname. I await the poor bastard who gets named "Smith" or "Jones" by his Spanish immigrant parents, but then again I doubt there are many so cruel or stupid. The other 1% of the time it is used as a very traditional, conservative and outdated name: FOR GIRLS. But generally it just means cross, convenient as that poor little mite is going to get crucified in whichever country he grows up. I can only hope his father can pronounce his name [it's cruTH, to the Spanish speaking world, who are also no doubt pissing themselves]. I sincerely hope they haven't been trying for a girl all this time. If they don't get one soon this madness could get quite dangerous. To Mr Beckham I can only recommend that he doesn't have this name tattooed anywhere. When the kid changes it the operation will be REALLY painful.

¶ posted by the leech at 10:47 PM 1 comments

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Political Test

Here's an interesting Political Test. Although designed for americans, you can find out generally where you stand with other political leaders, past and present, in the world...and even the galaxy. My results were:

Social Moderate (43% permissive)
Economic Liberal (30% permissive)
and best described as a Democrat.
You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

I may be best described as a democrat, although according to the political ideologies chart, I am really borderline Democrat, Centrist and Totalitarian. What the hell does that mean?? Well, apparently, with respect to famous people, I am more like the Pope and John Kerry. But not too far off from Darth Vader...

¶ posted by Jon at 4:32 PM 0 comments

Saturday, February 12, 2005

Rise of the Idiots

The BBC has yet again churned up some good good comedy for my boring Friday nights... Tonight, I discovered tv sitcom Nathan Barley. This first episode seemed to revolve around the thoughts and a single day in the life of journalist Dan Ashcroft who works for a magazine called Sugar Ape. The irony of his job is how he writes an article Rise of the Idiots, about the stupid idiots that surround and overwhelm his everyday life, for a magazine which represents everything he hates, including his co-workers. I thought the sitcom captured so gracefully the perception of the antisocialist. As Dan walks the street in his slow paced, depressive life with his derranged, unkept head and facial hair, he watches in disgust the streets filled with the stereotypes that every single one of us will encounter the moment we step out our doorstep. People who use cool, hip slang, wannabes, loud in-your-face people, and "adults" who are as mature as a grapefruit. He, like some of us, just wants to fuck off out of this place.

Idiot: I thought that article of yours was brilliant, man! Definitely the number 1 thing I've ever read!
Ashcroft: Really? What is your number 2?
[pause]
Idiot: Umm...I dunno. Something I read a while back by some guy.
Ashcroft: Right. That was in a magazine was it?
Idiot: Yea....think so.

It accurately portrays the common idiot of today, while being subtle enough for idiots who might stumble onto this show not to realise that they are the target of the joke, and yet glorifyingly mocking enough for non-idiots to enjoy. Afterall, "the main way to recognise a Barley is that they don't recognise themselves". Mcgazz writes a pretty good review of this new series. The show also parodies the average "defunct publications" and "tiny-subscription wanky rubbish" only idiots would read. i.e. overpriced magazines that put attention-seeking titles on their front cover and names that have less meaning than a blank. The infamous T12 phone with a larger-than-life '5' button on the keypad because it is the "most commonly dialed number". Perhaps the show aims to mock the idiot-leaders and trend setters (or at least the medium that mass promotes it) of the world, that is none other than the media itself. MTV, teeny magazines, and major corporations that are just out there to screw you over for your money and cash in on your hunger and lust to be "in the crowd".

"I'm away from the herd mentality.Wo-oo-oo-oo, can you all see me?"

In anycase, if you're interested, you can go to their website at www.trashbat.co.ck which was actually featured in the episode I saw. Dan Ashcroft. A man who cannot escape the rise of the idiots, and their grasp on even his family....something unfortunately I can relate to.

¶ posted by Jon at 12:09 AM 0 comments

Monday, February 07, 2005

Ich hab' Keine Lust

Ich habe kein Lust mich nicht zu hassen

Hab' keine Lust mich anzufassen

Ich hatte Lust zu onanieren

Hab' keine Lust es zu probieren

Ich hatte Lust mich auszuziehen

Hab' keine Lust mich nackt zu sehen

Ich hatte Lust mit groben Tiere

Hab' keine Lust es zu riskieren

Hab' keine Lust vom Schnee zu gehen

Hab' keine Lust zu erfrieren...

Watch Rammstein in fat suites headbanging out heavy riffs nu-metal style in their latest video Keine Lust. I always find myself trying to find out what their lyrics mean somehow. As much as I really like headbanging to their riffs...it wouldn't be as much as liking to headbang to a song that might be saying that I find humans tasty. Afterall Mein Teil was inspired by the cannibal who made news in Germany in 2004. And I guess Rammstein was the only motivation I had for taking up German beginners class in my first year of uni. While most people would be listening to audiotapes reciting german, I guess I was blaring some Rammstein down my headphones learning to order a german sausage at a restaurant. I think currently my German has deteriorated to counting numbers.....and ordering a german sausage at a restaurant.

....with a window seat.

Once a german chick offered me a meal of "noodles" just because I impressed her with my german (okok...I was helping her fix her pc like the nerd I am). For a moment I was impressed this german chick could cook noodles. Turns out what they call 'noodles', we call spaghetti. I tend not to make it a habit of claiming I know german now since the last time was when I told her I knew german and she asked me a question in reeeeally fluent german (duh...she's german) and all I could say was..........Ya, and nod.

¶ posted by Jon at 7:10 PM 0 comments

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Emails about emails about emails.

Despite the fact that I live in a country where the birth of everything that is wrong started, I have to say there is one thing I love about the UK that I would not find anywhere else. It is the fact that you will ocassionally meet british people who share the same despise for their own culture and openly admit this place is really a cesspool. We have one thing in common. We wanna get the fuck out of here.

It's a vicious cycle of brits wanting to fuck off and foreigners wanting to fuck their way in (Reminds me of a time when a dumb blonde mentioned that the government should relocate the entire UK to Mongolia or something). So you can really see what a predicament I am in. Essentially, it all boils down to money...because it literally does make the world go round.

Every Monday morning, I have a lecture by Professor Alder who lectures us on Experimental Design & Laboratory Management. He's the type of professor who's pretty much been around forever Having been the PhD mentors for two other very respectable, senior lecturers in my department, yes he is quite old school. He's a big plump man and his frazzled white hair tells me that he's too old to care about what anyone thinks of his looks anymore. What we really talk about in class has nothing to do with science. Instead we discuss financial and legal aspects of laboratory management. Inevitably, we talk about how western laws and policies are so retarded. If he hadn't been my lecturer, I'd say he was a fellow cesspit-hater.

We talk about how the government is really out to screw us over in the UK. With up to 40% income tax, that is really daylight robbery. And worst of all, your hard earned money goes to a war you don't support, and to stupid couples sitting on their lardy asses all day popping out their genetic products to get more government stipends that inevitably comes out of your salary. Every bloody day someone is suing someone else because they're too stupid to operate the pavement on the street. And when a REAL legal issue arises, some people find it's not worth it because going to court is too expensive. Suing somebody else is almost a passtime hobby here that's probably second to drinking.

We also discuss the downside of technology. Being old school, Professor Alder was the type who never really liked the idea of computers, particularly when the university went "electronic" and every staff member was required to have one. He tells that back in the day when they did everything by post, it would normally be ocassional to send someone a letter. But with the ease and convenience of email technology today, he spends the first 1.5hrs a day just checking his email. Why do people start flooding your inbox? Because they can. It is amazing at the kind of crap you get these days, even from people that you actually know. People send you stuff of worthless information. People send you chain mail in hopes you are stupid enough to believe Bill Gates will give you $5 for every person you forward it to. Then there are the people who send you stuff trying to sell you cock-size enhancers. In my professor's own words, people send you emails about emails about emails...and then they send you emails that are 5 words long. So why do we keep passing along digital useless crap? Is it in our blood to forward forwarded emails about forwarded emails? And most importantly, why is everyone so fucking stupid to believe they will find their true love if they forward something to 10 people in the next 5 minutes? If life were that easy, what would be the point of living huh.

The message taken home is that while technology has very much enhanced productivity of a working population, we have sacrificed our privacy in some way or another. Globalisation has made things such as communication and travelling informal. I remember when I first flew between Singapore and the UK. How exciting it was...like Neil Armstrong's first mission to Mars. But now whenever I fly home, it's just feels like sitting on a big piece of aluminium with two wings and several tonnes of jet fuel at 30,000ft to get a bowl of laksa back home.

PS: My favourite philosopher writes again about how bloody inert we are in the east when it comes to any serious conversations. Yes, people back home only talk because they can talk.

¶ posted by Jon at 11:35 AM 0 comments

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