Thursday, October 13, 2005
You need to be based in the UK, but...
...But I need to vent my spleen, so who gives a shit. Here is my new advertising campaign for C4. It's a well-established format, so they will have no trouble using it.
A SELECTION OF CELEBRITY TALKING HEADS APPEAR IN VARIOUS LOCATIONS. THEY TALK TO THE CAMERA.
Jamie Oliver: Outlaw Big Brother, right, or better still, dump it on those gullible digital TV types. That'll show 'em. Pukka.
Teri Hatcher: Make it compulsary to show new episodes of The Simpsons, at least on Friday nights.
Jon Snow: Instead of counting down the Top 100 of everything, just for a change, put all their money into some decent programming. Then, after a few months, do a countdown of the best shows on C4 and see if you can even scrape together a Top Ten.
Jimmy Carr: Only use me in case of emergency. Better still, give me a two years extended vacation. I have presenter fatigue, and the viewers are sick of me. Anyway, I need to use another 500 Christmas crackers, otherwise I'll have no jokes. Call it "research".
One of the people from Lost: The thing I'd most like Channel Four to do? Carry a public service announcement the next time that they are going to show cricket, so we can evacuate the country. Ditto Big Brother.
One of the less famous actresses from Desperate Housewives: Explain what the fuck those Pizza Hut commercials that I have to endure when The Simpsons is on are all about. Then ban them, and petition that somebody fires the people responsible.
Dermot O'Leary: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SHOWING FRIENDS FOR FIVE MINUTES. THE FILM IS NOT ABOUT TO SPONTAENEOUSLY COMBUST. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.
That old guy off the cricket: Combine Will and Grace, Just Shoot Me, The King of Queens and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy into one condensed five minute show, so that anybody who likes the sound of cats squealing can have the full experience, while the rest of us can turn the TV on without our senses being abused.
Gordon Ramsey: Feed that **** **** from You are What you Eat some ******* baked beans and shove a ******* rocket up her ****. If that doesn't change her facial expression nothing ******** will. ****** **** ******
Moody looking film star: Have the cast of Hollyoaks round up and shot.
MUSIC
That twat from Bo Selecta: The thing I'd most like them to do is reassess those ads where all the talking heads spout complete shit for five minutes. Now, go and make some bloody programmes.
A SELECTION OF CELEBRITY TALKING HEADS APPEAR IN VARIOUS LOCATIONS. THEY TALK TO THE CAMERA.
Jamie Oliver: Outlaw Big Brother, right, or better still, dump it on those gullible digital TV types. That'll show 'em. Pukka.
Teri Hatcher: Make it compulsary to show new episodes of The Simpsons, at least on Friday nights.
Jon Snow: Instead of counting down the Top 100 of everything, just for a change, put all their money into some decent programming. Then, after a few months, do a countdown of the best shows on C4 and see if you can even scrape together a Top Ten.
Jimmy Carr: Only use me in case of emergency. Better still, give me a two years extended vacation. I have presenter fatigue, and the viewers are sick of me. Anyway, I need to use another 500 Christmas crackers, otherwise I'll have no jokes. Call it "research".
One of the people from Lost: The thing I'd most like Channel Four to do? Carry a public service announcement the next time that they are going to show cricket, so we can evacuate the country. Ditto Big Brother.
One of the less famous actresses from Desperate Housewives: Explain what the fuck those Pizza Hut commercials that I have to endure when The Simpsons is on are all about. Then ban them, and petition that somebody fires the people responsible.
Dermot O'Leary: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SHOWING FRIENDS FOR FIVE MINUTES. THE FILM IS NOT ABOUT TO SPONTAENEOUSLY COMBUST. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.
That old guy off the cricket: Combine Will and Grace, Just Shoot Me, The King of Queens and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy into one condensed five minute show, so that anybody who likes the sound of cats squealing can have the full experience, while the rest of us can turn the TV on without our senses being abused.
Gordon Ramsey: Feed that **** **** from You are What you Eat some ******* baked beans and shove a ******* rocket up her ****. If that doesn't change her facial expression nothing ******** will. ****** **** ******
Moody looking film star: Have the cast of Hollyoaks round up and shot.
MUSIC
That twat from Bo Selecta: The thing I'd most like them to do is reassess those ads where all the talking heads spout complete shit for five minutes. Now, go and make some bloody programmes.
Comments:
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Once again, I wonder why it is that you're not in charge over there at C4 or the BBC. By the way, you seem to have no gripe with the BBC...or are you a C4 exclusive...
Jimmy Carr is not that bad and I don't see him that often on TV. I know he did say on the C4 montage something like "I wish I had a haircut less like Hitler's"... But seriously you sound like a very very unhappy pissed off couch potato. Perhaps you should finally give in to the Digital Side. Where you will then have 150 crap channels to choose from at least. But hey, half the fun is flicking through them all right??
I hear reality tv is on the decline in America now. But Im still hoping they do a Park of Jurassic Dinosaurs before the fad dies. I just might even do some promo pictures for it when I have too much free time...
Jimmy Carr is not that bad and I don't see him that often on TV. I know he did say on the C4 montage something like "I wish I had a haircut less like Hitler's"... But seriously you sound like a very very unhappy pissed off couch potato. Perhaps you should finally give in to the Digital Side. Where you will then have 150 crap channels to choose from at least. But hey, half the fun is flicking through them all right??
I hear reality tv is on the decline in America now. But Im still hoping they do a Park of Jurassic Dinosaurs before the fad dies. I just might even do some promo pictures for it when I have too much free time...
C4 rocks man, adult entertainment for the masses. hold on a minute maybe I should stop waching so much god damn uk tv.
after 6 years of sg tv i have become addicted. question time on bbc1 every thursday reminds me of how things can be.
after 6 years of sg tv i have become addicted. question time on bbc1 every thursday reminds me of how things can be.
most of my mates just watch hollysucks for the ladies. I have no idea what the damn attraction is. too much make-up and can't act for ****.
Everytime I think of English soap, I always think back to that one defining episode on East Enders (I think it was East Enders...the one where a woman discovers her dad isn't dead after ages). It was the defining episode that put me off tolerating such tv crap anymore. My entire meal at the pub was ruined as the woman continued to cry, yell, and then cry..and then yell some more in that repetive cycle for a WHOLE goddam HOUR. That drove me near insanity. Now the sound of soap opera makes me flinch everytime I have dinner.
Well, I'm too busy to have my ass glued to the chair, but I do feel strongly about the way this channel is going. Think of my relationship with it as that between a proud father and a son who has let himself go a bit too much.
Would you hate me if I told you that I watched all of Desperate Housewives and found it rather good?
This used to be the channel that brought me Italian football, brilliant documentaries, opinions that the middle of the road BBC would be too frigid to explore. Now it seems to be about saving money, appealing to the lowest instincts in its viewers. It's still the best channel there is, but then again the competition stinks. And Clyde, you know me, I'd rather BUILD my own TV channel than go digital. My way of cutting corners is still as elaborate as ever.
The Park of Jurassic Dinosaurs would definately go on c4. When it comes to reality TV they need to out-extreme the others. Just think, a show where people cry "Rebecca Loos, Peter Stringfellow, we NEED you guys".
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Would you hate me if I told you that I watched all of Desperate Housewives and found it rather good?
This used to be the channel that brought me Italian football, brilliant documentaries, opinions that the middle of the road BBC would be too frigid to explore. Now it seems to be about saving money, appealing to the lowest instincts in its viewers. It's still the best channel there is, but then again the competition stinks. And Clyde, you know me, I'd rather BUILD my own TV channel than go digital. My way of cutting corners is still as elaborate as ever.
The Park of Jurassic Dinosaurs would definately go on c4. When it comes to reality TV they need to out-extreme the others. Just think, a show where people cry "Rebecca Loos, Peter Stringfellow, we NEED you guys".
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