You need to be based in the UK, but...
...But I need to vent my spleen, so who gives a shit. Here is my new advertising campaign for C4. It's a well-established format, so they will have no trouble using it.
A SELECTION OF CELEBRITY TALKING HEADS APPEAR IN VARIOUS LOCATIONS. THEY TALK TO THE CAMERA.
Jamie Oliver: Outlaw Big Brother, right, or better still, dump it on those gullible digital TV types. That'll show 'em. Pukka.
Teri Hatcher: Make it compulsary to show new episodes of The Simpsons, at least on Friday nights.
Jon Snow: Instead of counting down the Top 100 of everything, just for a change, put all their money into some decent programming. Then, after a few months, do a countdown of the best shows on C4 and see if you can even scrape together a Top Ten.
Jimmy Carr: Only use me in case of emergency. Better still, give me a two years extended vacation. I have presenter fatigue, and the viewers are sick of me. Anyway, I need to use another 500 Christmas crackers, otherwise I'll have no jokes. Call it "research".
One of the people from Lost: The thing I'd most like Channel Four to do? Carry a public service announcement the next time that they are going to show cricket, so we can evacuate the country. Ditto Big Brother.
One of the less famous actresses from Desperate Housewives: Explain what the fuck those Pizza Hut commercials that I have to endure when The Simpsons is on are all about. Then ban them, and petition that somebody fires the people responsible.
Dermot O'Leary: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP SHOWING FRIENDS FOR FIVE MINUTES. THE FILM IS NOT ABOUT TO SPONTAENEOUSLY COMBUST. IT'S DRIVING ME INSANE.
That old guy off the cricket: Combine Will and Grace, Just Shoot Me, The King of Queens and Queer Eye For The Straight Guy into one condensed five minute show, so that anybody who likes the sound of cats squealing can have the full experience, while the rest of us can turn the TV on without our senses being abused.
Gordon Ramsey: Feed that **** **** from You are What you Eat some ******* baked beans and shove a ******* rocket up her ****. If that doesn't change her facial expression nothing ******** will. ****** **** ******
Moody looking film star: Have the cast of Hollyoaks round up and shot.
That twat from Bo Selecta: The thing I'd most like them to do is reassess those ads where all the talking heads spout complete shit for five minutes. Now, go and make some bloody programmes.
"Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere." - George W. Bush (March 24, 2004)